Well, February is a blur. My intention last month was to Speak Up and I feel like I hardly got going with it before the universe sat up and listened. "Oh, THAT'S what you wanted. Well, why didn't you say so?"
So much has happened in such a short time. Or maybe it's just that one big thing has happened, but that its impact is going to ripple throughout the rest of this year if not far beyond. I hope far beyond.
The same day that I went public online about closing Inky down, I received an email from The Coaching Academy, who were contacting everyone who attended their coaching taster weekend last year. Those who have followed me online a while will know that I loved that weekend, and had wanted to enrol in their diploma course, but it was several thousand pounds and there was no way I could stretch to it.
I found some other, budget-friendly online courses and, though they came with no qualifications, I was happy with what I was learning and with doing my own reading.
But doubt and frustration began to creep in. More and more podcasts and articles were talking about the risks of hiring an unqualified coach. Feedback from my first clients was positive, but I didn't know if I was actually progressing with my learning as there was no assessment. The same week that the email came in I had been saying to a friend that I wanted to find a different course as I wasn't satisfied. And the universe was clearly reading my WhatsApp messages. Bit cheeky.
The email said that The Coaching Academy were offering a handful of people scholarships for their life coaching diploma. A diploma that would lead to being certified and qualified to degree level.
I applied. I had a phone interview. I was successful.
I was dumbfounded. I was excited. I was sure it must be too good to be true. I searched online for negative reviews, for signs it was all a scam. I messaged friends I knew had taken the course. All responses and results said the same - this is legit.
So now time just seems to be speeding forwards and I need to get a lot organised this month. I have workshops booked in several times a week, studying to do ahead of my first week of training in April, a driving test to take (argh!), my first meet up to tell you about, and, you know, toddlers!
There is a lot to do and I can't do it unless I clear my head and let go of what is holding me back.
I intend to let go of the feelings of failure. I have tried to see the closure of my print business as a mostly positive thing, but a big reason for it is the fact that I couldn't make it work financially in a way that worked for me. Some of it was out of my control - I had twins, after all! There were always going to be parts I had to let go of, so I didn't completely burn out. But I realised quite quickly after I stopped taking on commissions that I would struggle to make the business viable. I would have needed to run workshops every weekend as well as during the week, sacrificing family time that I wasn't willing to miss.
Should I have kept doing commissions even though they brought me more stress than joy most of the time? I don't think so. I've said it several times throughout my communications on closing Inky down - why build a business that doesn't make you happy?
I intend to let go of fear! I'm so excited and equally terrified about all of this change.
If you've read Tara Mohr's brilliant Playing Big (or are familiar with the Hebrew language) you'll be familiar with the two types of fear she describes - pachad and yirah. Pachad is a "projected or imagined fear", whereas yirah is more closely related to awe. It is the fear we feel when we "find ourselves with considerably more energy than we're used to, taking up more space than we'd usually inhabit, and the way we feel when on sacred ground".
I am of course afraid of rejection, afraid of failing, afraid of the tumbleweeds, but all of those jitters are entirely overwhelmed by this weird sensation of falling through space whenever I think of how my future may unfold now. It's not entirely unpleasant, but it's wholly distracting and makes me a bit hyper! Have you ever felt like that? Please get in touch as I'd love to hear about it.
I intend to let go of imposter syndrome. Ok, so this is always going to be a work in progress, but I hope that if I pass this course and become a certified coach then having that physical bit of paper (not to mention all the knowledge!) is going to help. I've always championed experience, passion, and skill over qualifications so this feels like an uncomfortable thing to admit. Which brings me nicely onto my last point.
I intend to let go of the way I think of myself as a student. I was pretty terrible at school - it just didn't suit me. I was creative and away with the fairies, staring out of the window and making up stories when I should have been paying attention. That's what inspired the Silly Heart name, after all!
The idea of going back to doing written assessments is quite nerve-wracking for me. What if I don't make the most of all of this? What if my knackered baby brain is incapable of absorbing it all?
I need to keep reminding myself that the reason I did poorly at school is because the majority of subjects didn't interest me, and I suffered from huge anxiety in classroom and exam environments, which slowed down my thinking and made me afraid to put my hand up.
I am very, very interested in this subject. I'm constantly reading anything I can get my hands on that might make me better equipped. And I'm a much more confident person now. Anxiety still rears its head for me occasionally as it does for a lot of us, but I'm in better control and am kinder to myself when working around it.
What are you focussing on this month? An intention, a new project, a list, a break?
If you're building a business and looking for support you can book an introductory chat with me here, or work on your content alongside a new creative community at the first Silly Heart meet up, Select All: Networking for Introverts!
As always, I'd love for you to join the conversation over on Instagram using #sillyheartintentions.